Judging God

I'm going to be brutally honest right now, so this is serious.

When I was twelve, I went through a really dark time. I thought no one truly cared about me and God was so disgusted with me, He left. I felt alone, abandon, and helpless. That last for an eternity! (Okay, maybe a little less than a year). God healed me in the end and taught me a lot. Most of my issues were straightened out, with God's help, but still I held onto something. I was bitter God left me. Now, I know He didn't actually leave me, but it felt like it. That cold emptiness in my heart, that He was supposed to fill, made me mad, and confused, and afraid. Most of all, I became hesitant to trust God. 

Recently though, He has gently taught me and helped me realize something. 

The other day, while I was reading the Bible (which everyone should do every day) I asked God something. I asked Him to tell me what He was doing when He felt so far away. I know God always has my best interests at heart, but still I had to know what He was up to. He asked why I was curious. I told Him I wanted to judge for myself if His actions were worth my pain and, based off my human judgment, I would decide if He had been righteous or not. 

I stopped everything and blinked, my eyes wide. God sat there and stared at me without saying anything. "Oh," I mumbled. "That's not how it works, is it?" He shook His head. He reminded me it’s not my place to decide if He does the right thing or not. It’s not my place to question Him. It’s not my place to even know what He's doing. 

"You believe I have your best interests at heart," He asked? I nodded. "Then hold onto that. Faith. It's called faith. You don't have to know what I was doing when you were twelve; believe I was doing something good for you because I was." 

So now I do. I believe He "will never fail me or abandon me" (Hebrews 13:5) and He has plans for me that are "good and not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). That's my God. He cares and even when He feels far, He's not. Not ever. 

Hold onto that and don’t let it go. He hasn't left you. He will always be by you.